What Ifs

What if you will never truly recover?

What if the wound will never really heal?

What if your midnight cries will never stop?

You stumble upon those what ifs at least every once in a month. And you still question your sanity. At that moment when you let those what ifs sinked deeply in your mind, you are drowning. Suffocating. The fact that you can't even help yourself out, you keep silently crying. You are helpless in your midnights. Then you start to feel that pain again which always echoing:

You are not loved.

You are not worthy for somebody.

You are not beautiful.

You cannot cook or do make ups.

You just... not enough for someone.

You want to seek help but you just found yourself swallow it all alone. You don't want to make a mess. You don't want to break another things around you when they're all look fine already. You don't want to screw things up. Meanwhile, those voices keep visiting you at least every once in a month.

But still, you choose to walk away...

with that what ifs in the very back of your mind.

You choose to stay alive anyway... with that what ifs lingering somewhere in your mind.

Your smile, your laugh, your will to always keep your head and chin up no matter how many times that what ifs drags you down are the way how you cope yourself.

If coping sounds too much, then you would like to call it as "that's how you cover up your wound".

You realize because it is no longer bleeding, you rather cover it up. You wrap it carefully with those smiles, those teary laughs with your loved ones, those random yet silly acts sometimes appear... and above all, with the love you still cradle for people around you.

Hence, you wish that they will believe you are okay. It's fine to keep the wound anyway. Because then again, it will stays there, not as an open wound but more like a discolored scar which will alwsys be part of you for the rest of your life. Hoping that no one will ever touch it because that's where you keep those what ifs. Solemnly.